10 Fun and Easy Ways to Make a Poem at Home

1. Get twelve lolly-sticks. Write an iambic pentameter on each one (rhyme scheme optional). Build a cube with the sticks fixing the corners with Sellotape or Blu-tac. This is your poem.

2. Visit http://www.googlism.com and enter any word. Prune results to taste.

3. Spend some quality time collecting words and phrases from a porn magazine. One magazine per poem, please. (Alternatively, the contents of a single adult URL can be used.) Take these words and phrases, and use them exclusively to create a poem in traditional poetic metre (rhyme scheme optional). These poems are called smut-ups and should be numbered and titled thus: Smut-up #x – ‘[name]’, where x = number in series and [name] = the name of one of the models featuring in the publication (select manually). If desired, add the name of the original publication as a footnote. This is not, however, necessary.

4. Make an anagram from the words ORANGE JUICE while drinking ORANGE JUICE from the carton. It doesn’t have to rhyme.

5. Find five unusual objects which you possess but no longer desire and sell them on eBay to whoever offers the most lucre. Once all your objects have been sold, compose a five stanza poem (unrhymed). Each stanza must contain the all the words used in the item name and description on the eBay website. Additionally, it should contain at least 80% text of the buyers’ feedback. Do not give your poem a title, but print five copies and gently encourage their eventual loss among innumerable unsorted papers.

6. Write the first draft of a poem in 12pt double-spaced on a good open-source word processor. Print, and edit the poem liberally with a black biro (Bic preferred). Now, take an sheet of tracing paper and trace your annotations with a high quality pencil (HB, not too sharp). Be sure to remain attentive throughout to commas, crosses, crumbs. When you have finished, photocopy the tracing. This is your poem. Optionally, unedited first draft can be included as a footnote.

7. Empty your fridge and clean it. As you return the items, record them and any unique properties they possess in a list. This is your poem. It should be titled with today’s date followed by the word ‘Fridge’.

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9. Remember the Lego you used to play with as a kid? Fetch it from the garage or the loft and write a poem on a 10″² Lego board using only Lego bricks selected one by one from the Lego box at random. An eventual confusion of word and image should not be discouraged.

10. Compose a sound poem, about a minute in length, which lends itself well to looped recital. Memorise the poem, and recite it continuously under your breath whenever you are in a public place for the following decade. They will think you are mad but you will know you are not. They will think you are mad.